Helpful Hints From Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger tries to make his show more helpful. Predictably his co-stars do everything but help.


**Take a hint. I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **Helpful Hints From Krieger's Korner **

"Hello!" Krieger waved at the camera from the Figgis Agency bullpen. "Welcome once again to Krieger's Korner. Joining me is our usual gang of suspects…"

"And around here that ain't just a saying," Pam snickered. She was sitting with Cheryl and Ray. "Just ask the police."

"In the spirit of education," Krieger said. "Today's show is about many helpful little tips, tricks and facts that can help you in your everyday life."

"In other words, we're going to be ripping off all those women's magazines you see everywhere?" Ray asked.

"Where do you think we got some of our research from?" Pam asked. "The rest was from the Internet."

"Here's our first handy tip," Krieger smiled. "What to do when your lab animals escape from their cage?"

"This comes up more often than you'd think," Ray said.

"First, find a stronger, better cage," Krieger instructed. " **Then** hunt down your missing creature. Because if you don't have a place to put your creature, capturing it is going to be rather pointless. Odds are, if you don't have a proper containment device, it will go on a rampage and seriously injure people. Or kill them."

"You won't find **that** bit of wisdom in a ladies' magazine," Pam remarked.

"You'd be surprised what they're putting in the new issues of Cosmo," Cheryl told her.

"Here's another tip," Krieger said. "Tired of going to the old chemical compound stores or black market and realizing you forgot what ingredients you need? Take a picture of your storage facility with your phone and you will know what's missing and what you have. Although be warned, if you get arrested by the cops you might want to delete that picture first. Just a tip."

"I thought that was for refrigerators?" Pam asked. "When you go to the grocery store?"

"Oh," Krieger blinked. "I guess it could work for that too."

"Here's a picture of my refrigerator," Pam showed her phone. "I need everything."

"Didn't you get groceries **yesterday?** " Cheryl asked.

"What's your point?" Pam blinked.

"Ms. Archer has the same system for her liquor cabinet," Ray spoke up. "That gets empty pretty fast too."

"Is your pig or other animal falling out of bed?" Krieger asked. "All you need is a fitted sheet and a pool noodle. Stick the pool noodle under the sheet along the length of the bed and voila! Instant pig protection!"

"That's using your noodle," Cheryl quipped. "Get it?"

"You can use a hanging shoe rack to store cleaning supplies in your closet," Pam added. "Or bottles of wine for an instant wine cellar."

"Having trouble identifying different keys?" Krieger asked. "Just use different color nail polish. Trust me, you don't want to get stuck in a cage and have trouble figuring out what key unlocks the door! As some of my interns found out the hard way."

"If you can't find things to burn," Cheryl spoke up. "Try using Doritos! Or pretty much anything really. And it's great to get rid of anything you're not using anymore. Have trouble cleaning out that junk in the closet? Burn it."

"Fire isn't just Cheryl's friend," Ray remarked. "It's also her accomplice."

"Some of my best accomplices are friends," Cheryl grinned.

"Garlic lowers your risk of many diseases," Krieger said. "Including lung cancer. Ray…"

"You're just not gonna be happy until I quit, are you?" Ray groaned.

"Nope," Krieger waved.

"Garlic!" Pam said. "Not just for vampires anymore!"

"Here's another tip," Krieger said. "Eating pumpkin seeds are a good way to keep slim. They boost your metabolism and are packed with protein!"

"I love pumpkin seeds," Pam said. "I eat them all the time."

"There you go folks," Cheryl spoke up. "Another myth busted."

"It's good to eat nuts of all kinds," Krieger said. "Research has proven that eating nuts improves your longevity!"

"Unless you're allergic," Ray quipped. "Then it does the opposite."

"Nuts are full of healthy fats, vitamins and minerals," Krieger explained.

"And they're crunchy too!" Cheryl added.

"Nuts even lower your chances of getting colon cancer," Pam added.

"That's why I always have some nuts every day," Krieger nodded.

"Well you are what you eat," Ray remarked.

"I have a good one," Cheryl said. "Cilantro is packed with antioxidants and helps prevent food poisoning. That's why my Great Aunt Cordelia Tunt always had it with her food."

"Did it help her live a long life?" Ray asked.

"It probably would have," Cheryl waved. "If she hadn't been trampled by that horse."

"She got killed during a riding accident?" Pam asked.

Cheryl paused. "Yeah let's call it that."

"Ewwww…" Pam winced.

"It wasn't a Catherine the Great!" Cheryl said exasperated. "She was stealing a horse from her niece in the middle of the night but accidentally used a firecracker to light her way and…"

"And it's a reason why you should never use firecrackers for lighting," Krieger sighed.

"They say that barn burned for almost two days," Cheryl remarked. "Tunt Farms lost several animals, Great Aunt Cordelia and two stable boys. But ironically the horse she tried to steal was just fine. Even won a few races. Until my distant Great Third Cousin Petunia shot it for trampling her rosebushes. Then she shot my Great Uncle."

"Sweet Jesus," Ray swore.

"Ironically Cousin Petunia was rumored for pulling a Catherine the Great," Cheryl explained. "But with sheep. Not horses. She claimed it was safer. It wasn't. She died of blunt trauma to her abdomen. Repeatedly rammed by rams. And not the way she intended."

"Somebody should do a miniseries about that family," Pam said to the others.

"Forget Roots," Ray said. "We should call the Tunt miniseries Nuts. It would be a ratings hit."

"Let's move on, shall we?" Krieger groaned.

"Please," Ray sighed.

"Hot peppers burn fat," Pam said. "Which is why I always put them in my chili. And pretty much half the food I eat. Surprisingly they're good in cereal too."

"Another myth busted," Cheryl quipped.

"A good way to decrease anxiety around the holidays is by baking Christmas cookies," Pam added. "And eating them."

Cheryl paused. "That one is believable."

"One of the few times my sister Edie and I ever got along was when we were baking cookies with my Mom," Pam remembered.

"Too busy eating and licking the batter to fight?" Cheryl asked.

"How did you know?" Pam asked.

"Stab in the dark," Cheryl waved.

"That's how Edie got me in the neck with a knife," Pam grumbled.

"Use a magnet to find nails and studs on the walls," Krieger went on. "And sometimes the fillings of old assistants that are in the walls."

"Oh, here's a good one," Pam said. "Turn on your seat warmer to keep your pizza or other takeout warm as you're driving home. Trust me on this."

"Only an idiot wouldn't trust Pam when it comes to food knowledge," Cheryl nodded.

"Put coffee in an ice tray so when you make iced coffee it doesn't get watered down," Ray said. "You can also use this trick with wine while making a sangria."

"Trust me that works!" Cheryl said.

"Also, if you are in a strange place and need to ask for directions," Pam added. "Forget the gas station. Stop at a pizza delivery place. Trust me. They know where everything is. Including where all the bad tippers are."

"There's a reason why some houses are hit more with eggs on Halloween than others," Ray added.

"Not just Halloween," Pam told him.

"In Kentucky it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket," Cheryl said.

"Who would do something that stupid in the **first place**?" Pam asked.

"My third cousin Thomas Milo Tuntington," Cheryl said. "Let's just say he's the reason that law exists. That and the twelve-car pileup he caused."

"Cheryl your family tree has more root rot than the entire Amazon rainforest," Ray groaned.

"Yeah," Cheryl snickered. "We got a lot of crazies and degenerates in my family. But we're rich so who cares?"

Pam pointed to Cheryl. "The One Percent everyone!"

"Let's move on," Krieger said. "Did you know pearls melt in vinegar? Something an intern named Eddie learned the hard way when he accidentally dropped some of Ms. Archer's pearls in a salad that had a lot of vinegar."

"We never saw Eddie again," Pam added. "Something tells me parts of him are still floating in the East River."

"Like Ms. Archer would go anywhere **near** there," Ray waved.

"Oh, here's a good one," Krieger said as he went off camera for a moment. He came back with some bottles of wine. "Hang on…" He then got some wine glasses.

"What's this for?" Ray pointed.

"This is for the next fact," Krieger said. "Did you know drinking a glass of red wine a day has health benefits? It lowers cholesterol, helps reduce blood clots, controls blood sugar, helps keep your memory sharp, fights off diseases, and may even stop cancer!"

"Why the hell didn't you start with **that one** in the first place?" Cheryl snapped.

"I know, right?" Ray asked. "Start pouring Krieger. We need to get our daily dose of health."

"Don't you want to know why it's healthy?" Krieger asked as he poured the wine into glasses.

"Not really no," Pam shrugged as she took a glass.

"Fair enough," Krieger admitted. "Prost!" He clinked glasses with the gang and they took a drink.

"Hmmm," Ray took a drink. "Full body, good nose…"

"But enough about me," Pam quipped. "How do you like the wine? Hot-cha!"

"It's gooooooooooooood!" Cheryl said before she downed her glass. "Please sir, can I have some more?"

"Well I guess," Krieger poured her more wine. "But the benefits of wine only work if it's taken in moderation."

"Krieger this group doesn't exactly do well with moderation," Ray snickered as he took a sip. "Damn good wine though."

"I know," Cheryl drank some more. "Let's do some more tips. I feel like we're really being educational today."

"Apples belong to the rose family," Pam said. "So instead of buying flowers for your mom or sweetheart, just bake 'em an apple pie. Much more thoughtful."

"Here's a tip for all you amateur surgeons out there. Coconut water can be used as blood plasma for a temporary fix," Krieger said. "Trust me on this."

"Is **that** what you used on **me**?" Ray asked.

"Which time?" Krieger asked.

"Any time! First, second, third…Whatever!" Ray said. "Whenever!"

"It **worked** didn't it?" Krieger snapped. "You're here! And you're fine! You're welcome!"

"And some of my beer spilled into you," Pam added. "The first major surgery."

"And the second one," Krieger added. "And third. I also may have had a few drinks."

"I'm amazed I'm alive at all," Ray groaned.

"You're not the only one who has thought that," Pam told him.

"A coffee tree yields about one pound of coffee in a year," Cheryl said. "So, you'd better enjoy that sip!"

"Drinking coffee also has health benefits," Krieger added. "Unless you're allergic so…"

"Well I'm not allergic to wine," Pam said as she poured herself some more. "This is damn good grape."

"Got really stinky feet?" Ray asked. "Just tap some baking soda in your sneakers and leave in there overnight. Just don't forget to take out the baking soda in the morning. Krieger! Pam!"

"What?" Krieger and Pam said at the same time.

"It also works on pet odors," Ray said. "Sprinkle some baking powder on your pet's pillow."

"Good tip because my house reeks of ocelot piss," Cheryl groaned.

"Why do you still have that damn thing again?" Pam asked.

"I have no idea," Cheryl shrugged. "At this point I think we're both waiting for the other one to die."

"That sounds exactly like Ms. Archer and Ron's marriage," Ray quipped.

"HA!" Pam laughed. "Good one!"

Cheryl laughed. "Because their marriage is a huge mistake and the only way out is death! HA HA HA!"

"Why did she marry him in the first place?" Pam asked. "Why didn't she just string Ron along like all those other guys?"

"Maybe she needed more money?" Ray shrugged.

"That's not outside the realm of possibility," Krieger said. "She was gonna marry Len Trexler because she lost her shirt on that Ponzi scheme."

"It is the only way she's making any income now," Cheryl snorted. "Because let's face it…You know?"

Everyone started to laugh. "Remember that guy?" Pam said. "That guy Ms. Archer was crazy about and was gonna marry?"

"You mean Len Trexler?" Ray asked.

"Nooo!" Pam snorted. "The **other** guy! The one after Len Trexler but **before** Ron! The one she knew for like two weeks? That guy."

"Oooooh," Ray said. " **That** guy…I remember that guy. What was his name?"

"Don't remember," Pam blinked.

"I wanna say Harvey…" Cheryl spoke up. "But I know that's wrong…"

"Jimmy?" Pam asked.

"James," Krieger said. "James Harvenson."

" **That's** the guy!" Pam said as she took a drink.

"Is that the guy who Ms. Archer was planning on landing for herself because he was so damn rich?" Cheryl asked. "But Archer banged his daughter? And her fiancé found out and whined about it?"

"That's the one!" Pam said. "And then you tried to bang the fiancé in the copy room and he had a panic attack and ran away screaming like a little girl?"

"I don't remember that part," Cheryl blinked.

"Well you were pretty high on glue and gummy bears that day," Ray told her. "And then Archer tried to talk the daughter into having sex with him again not realizing her father was right there. Her father tried to punch Archer…"

"And Archer knocked him out," Krieger added. "I remember that!"

"Do you remember the scream fest he and Ms. Archer had when he came to?" Pam said. "How he stormed out! And then Ms. Archer yelled up a storm at Archer!"

"That relationship ended really fast," Krieger said. "Hey wasn't that like a day before she met Ron?"

"Exactly one day," Ray remembered. "And Ms. Archer made us swear to never tell Ron or anyone else about…Krieger is that camera a live feed or…?"

"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "This is streaming right to our website."

"We have a website?" Cheryl blinked.

"Why is it live?" Pam asked.

"Wanted to spice things up," Krieger admitted.

"Oh Goody…" Ray blinked. "Well Ms. Archer isn't going to be happy about this."

"Ms. Archer is never happy about **anything!** " Pam snorted. "She'd be happy with this wine though. Damn this is good wine. What are we talking about?"

"I can't remember…" Cheryl blinked. She started to laugh uncontrollably. "Oh my God I feel so plastic…platina…plastered. Hic!"

"Krieger…" Ray realized something. "Where did you get this wine?"

"I made it!" Krieger grinned.

"You **made** this wine…?" Ray blinked.

"Yes!" Krieger held up a bottle. "My newest vintage of Krieger Valley. Krieger Valley, it's Wunderbar!"

"This is **Krieger Valley**?" Ray shouted.

"Wait hang on…" Cheryl spoke up. "This sounds familiar…Didn't we **do** this before?"

"Looks like we're going to do it again," Ray said. "You hyper decanted this didn't you?"

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.

"And there's some crazy fruit in this isn't there?" Ray groaned.

"Just a tiny bit of South American Muscadine," Krieger admitted.

"Oh boy…" Pam blinked. "That explains why the room is spinning."

"Didn't you learn your lesson the **last time** you did this?" Ray snapped.

Krieger paused. "Obviously not."

"Okay final helpful hint before we black out into drunken oblivion," Ray sighed. "Never make wine with South American Muscadine…And never accept wine from crazy scientists who…Who…What were we talking about again?"

"We were talking about…" Krieger paused. "Something…"

"Yeah something," Pam blinked. "What was it again?"

"Something," Ray said.

"Yes! Something!" Pam said. "But what?"

"Maybe we were looking for something?" Cheryl hiccupped. "Some kind of measure…pleasure…Treasure?"

"YES!" Pam said. "That sounds like something we were looking for!"

"Not an idol of a gold monkey, right?" Ray asked.

"Definitely **not** an idol of a gold monkey!" Pam told him. "Hear me? No monkey!"

"So, we're looking for something that's **not** a monkey," Cheryl blinked. "Maybe it's over here?" She got up out of her chair and started to throw things off a nearby desk. "Or here? Or here?"

"Let's look!" Ray said. Soon they were all tearing apart the room and trashing it.

The video feed seemed to have problems for a bit and went to a time skip. When it recorded again it showed Pam and Ray literally climbing the furniture, while Cheryl was dangling on Pam's back half unconscious.

"It's this way!" Pam shouted. "The tunnel to the temple has to be here!"

"Watch out for the boulders!" Ray shouted.

"Oohh, colors…" Cheryl hiccupped before she passed out.

Krieger was running around only wearing his lab coat and underwear. "I'm coming! I'm flying in the Spruce Moose!" He held out his arms like a plane and started making airplane noises.

The video feed skipped again. This time both Pam and Cheryl were passed out in various states of undress along the trashed room. Both Ray and Krieger were in their underwear writing various numbers and what they thought were equations all over the walls.

"This must mean something!" Krieger shouted.

"What were we trying to solve again?" Ray asked drunkenly.

"That's what the equation is about!" Krieger shouted.

"Gotcha!" Ray nodded. "I think we need another drink…"

The video feed skipped again. This time to reveal all four of them passed out on the furniture and floor of the trashed bullpen. Lana and Cyril were looking at them with distain.

"Just what I wanted to see first thing in the morning," Cyril groaned.

"What did they do **now?** " Lana sighed. "And why did they need a video camera to record it?"

"Honestly Lana," Cyril sighed. "Something tells me we're better off not knowing."

Lana then noticed something. "Krieger Valley wine? Oh no…Didn't they learn their lesson from the **last time** they did this?"

"Apparently not," Cyril shrugged. "Some people just can't take a hint."


End file.
